yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize