His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
