Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
