Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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