My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
