just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
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