How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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