Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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