how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
