I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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