I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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