.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Randomize
