i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
