I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Randomize
