She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
im six kinds of drunk right now
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
