she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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