it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
