mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
