im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
