I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
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