the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
He? As in you personified your dick?
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
