alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
You pole danced in your parka.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
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