Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
