be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
