Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Even the bartender felt bad for me
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
