so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
