I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
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