Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
