I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Randomize
