Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
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