I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize