on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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