This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
