watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Randomize
