she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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