you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
