how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
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