I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize