She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
