Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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