The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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