you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize