The maid of honor just puked.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Randomize
