ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
