I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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