census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
