my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
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