you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
