you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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