sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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