I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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