Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
