his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
