Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
