Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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