i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
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