I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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