I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
being pregnant is like rehab
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
