This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
